Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
