Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
