You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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