wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I'm passing your future prison.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
