Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
