And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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