This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Randomize
