I can't watch pbs sober anymore
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
