Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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