Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
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