I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
We had to coat check the pizza.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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