Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
