she woke up with a sticky ear
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
