he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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