I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
