3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
the condom got lost in my hair
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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