pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
