oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
