Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
