I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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