my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
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