if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Girls should come with a carfax report
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
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