just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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