ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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