A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
