Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
