I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize
