so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
