I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
