i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
