I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Randomize
