True but thats because hes a fetus.
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
You are a genius and a whore.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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