I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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