i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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