I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
