All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
