You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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