I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
