All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
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