why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize
