guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
