Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Randomize
