i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Randomize
