she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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