My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
