remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
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