I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
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