oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
