3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
