I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
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