I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
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